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Every time I look back at my last journal entry, it seems to say the same thing: sorry it's been so long since my last entry...
For the time being, I haven't been moved to enter much. Things have settled into a routine that leaves me with only a few sources of distraction. One of those being Zechs, and I am making the most of that one. I've even been back and forth to Sank a couple of times to see the horses, and Miss Relena. (Eep, I hope she forgives me for mentioning the Arabians first... ^^;;;)
She's been extremely busy, however. The sabotage (it's generally believed to be that rather than the public label of industrial accidents) of Colony industrial installations has cause a lot of unrest and angry talk among the Earth Sphere council members. My private sources of information tell me there will be a lot more if they don't stop, seeing as how nothing on Earth has apparently been treated the same way by whoever is doing this.
I have a better than pretty good idea who is. So does Zechs. The only thing keeping him from attempting to find said suspect and grab him by the collar to give him a good shake is the fact that said suspect is of course consumate at hiding.
I've been asked to take a trip to the Colonies to see what I can do to smooth some of the troubled waters. I'm not going in any official capacity, I'm not even a business owner any more, but apparently there are people who want to hear from me, to know what I think, who might listen to my counsel. Not just because I was owner of what was once Winner Enterprises. At least as much, it's because it's an open secret in the Colonies that I was a Gundam pilot.
Rasheed has all but forbiden me from going alone, nor does he consider Zechs adequate chaparonage, even if he could get away. So I'll have a Maguanac mini-entourage.
My attempts to contact Duo have been unsuccessful. I both need and want to talk to him. To see him would be better.
I have an uneasy feeling lately around him and Wufei that won't go away. It's funny because I didn't have any such feeling before the takeover. No warning at all. Now however, I find myself waking from dreams I can't remember about both Wufei and Duo, and wishing I could see them and make sure they are all right.
Well I won't promise to be better about updating - using reverse psychology, maybe I can keep the promise better if I don't make it. ^^;;
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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I can't believe it's been so long since I updated my journal.
I meant to do better. ^^;;
A lot has happened. For a while I was at Sank, with Zechs and Relena. I enjoyed myself there so much that I let the time get away from me. However coming home was good.
Heero was here alone - which was one of the reasons I came back - and to my surprise, we were able to get a lot closer in ways I never expected.
That was nice.
However Heero's gone to the Colonies to visit with someone he views as a father figure. (I suspect after the news reports that's not all he's
Trowa was visiting the circus for a while I think he was trying to work some things out in his own mind. He's never fully accepted peace, and has been having a harder time adapting to it than the rest of us. Yes, he seemed ok, but I know Trowa, and I could tell he was having difficulties. I only wish I could have done more to help, somehow make it easier on him. He just seemed so upset when Winner Enterprizes was bought out and there was all that craziness. Like he expected himself to have done something about it, prevented it, or, kept the press from descending, or, something. Which isn't realistic, but then, Trowa has always expected too much of himself. And he still acts as if he expects himself not to have any feelings about anything, as if having them is wrong or in the way.
I know he's not at the circus any more but I don't know where he is.
I hope he gets in touch with me, or with someone, soon.
It's not that I worry he can't take care of himself, Trowa can definitely do that! But I just feel so disconnected when I'm not sure where he is. It's not his weakness, it's mine.
The nicest thing, however, is that Zechs is here. He showed up and said I had told him he could treat this house as his home. I'm so terribly pleased that he's actually doing so!! He says he wanted to check on the state of the garden. ^_^
It's just nice having him here. It keeps me from dwelling on things I can do nothing about, but more than that - far more... Well, not to be rude or anything, but he's beautiful... and incredibly warm and supportive and hot and sexy and.
I am concerned about the explosions at the mining facilities. I know those people aren't my responsibility any more but I actually know quite a few of them. I've written email to the ones I know. It could have been much worse - refinining Gundanium is an extremely volatile process. However, even though nothing official has been said about it, there are rumors that the explosions weren't simply refining accidents.
I sent Wufei an email asking if I could do anything to help the workers and he said no, he had it handled. But he thanked me for the concern.
I miss him and Duo. A lot.
I miss Trowa, and I miss Heero now as well.
I keep telling myself the feeling I have isn't deja vu.
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Tuesday, April 12th, 2005
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I'm finally back! In all honesty I was a bit reluctant to leave Sank, but there's a lot going on there right now with some kind of international conference or something and it was time for me to go home. I told Zechs he was welcome to visit and the room that he stayed in when he was working on the garden was now his room and would be kept for him.
I said goodbye to the horses with great reluctance. I wish I could really explain to them why I won't be there every morning any more.
Relena gave me hugs for everyone and also loaded me down with packages. I can tell she really wishes she could come visit, and I think it would be fun to have her, but it isn't very practical right now. Not when things have just died down.
Maybe sometime in the future she can go on a publicized vacation somewhere else and we can sneak her back here while the reporters are watching an imposter or something.
As reluctant as I was to leave what had become my safe haven, I realized that Trowa was still in California which meant Heero was by himself. Of course, he's perfectly capable of living by himself, but after a while I thought it might get tiresome, so I supposed it might not hurt for me to get back and start trying to get on with making some kind of life for myself.
It's funny, I ran away from the company, and now that I can't run back, it's a little like having a lifeline cut. But at the same time, it's kind of freeing. I'm truly my own person. I don't have to feel bad for wanting to do something else with my life besides sit in board rooms and make corporate decisions. Perhaps... Wufei really did me a favor after all.
I wish I could see him, and Duo. I miss them.I hope whatever they are doing, they are safe and happy.
And I am really glad I decided to come back.
My welcome home from Heero was more than enough to make it totally worth returning. *^_^*
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Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.
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I really didn't expect it to be so long before I updated here. I have been at Sank with Zechs and Relena. I've actually been enjoying myself a lot. I've spent an incredible amount of time with the horses, several hours each day, and the prince and princess are now as comfortable as they can be, not to mention they pretty much own the hearts of all the staff and most of the residents and visitors. It's embarassing (as well as wonderful) but Farzzad would follow me all over the estate like a puppy if he was allowed to. Unfortunately that wouldn't work out, since he's as statueque as he is beautiful! ;)
I met Relena's boyfriend. She doesn't call him that of course but everyone else does, mostly where she can't hear them. He seems like a very nice person and his devotion to Miss Relena is obvious. He seems a very stable person which is good, she's going to need someone like that, someone who can deal with some of the less normal aspects of her life. Speaking of which...
Heero is here. I'm not sure if he's going back for a make-up English exam tomorrow or not, I guess we'll see.
He heard something about a bomb threat on Relena and instead of letting Zechs and her very capable security people handle it, he came along to see for himself.
It might not be the smartest or most tactful thing he's ever done. But it is a measure of how important Relena's safety is to him. It's kind of sweet except not very many people here are seeing it that way, I think I'm in the monority.
I'll try not to wait so long before I update again.
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Wednesday, March 9th, 2005
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My hands are shaking a little as I type this. But typing it is better than watching the television, answering the ringing phone, or looking outside the windows. Maybe it will give me time to collect myself.
The first hint I had was a phone call late last night.
The caller didn't identify himself. I thought I recognized the voice as someone I wouldn't have expected to call me (or have this number, but nothing is that secret). I think it was a man I know from Winner Enteprises. However I can't confirm it because he only said a few words and then hung up before I could answer or ask any questions, like what was he talking about.
He said, "This is your fault. If you'd done what your father epected of you, this would never have happened."
Well, I found out what he meant early this morning. I don't usually turn on the television but for some reason I did today, flipping to one of the news channels to see if there was anything happening of particular interest. Maybe a disaster somewhere, where people might need help. It would be good to go and work with my hands giving assistance to someone who needed it.
There was a disaster all right. But it wasn't the kind I was thinking of.
The news... well, everyone's seen it by now. I know, because there are about a hundred media people outside right now attempting to destroy my lawn and the garden Zechs worked on so lovingly.
Winner Enterprises is... gone.
Maybe not entirely, maybe not even functionally, but... it's gone. This morning's news was all about the successful hostile takeover of the Colonies' largest independent, non-Earth owned business, by a company that hasn't even been in existence for more than a few weeks. Shenlong Diverse Works.
Now I understand why he moved out.
It would be... awkward... wouldn't it?
I'm trying to ignore the shouts of reporters asking me to come out and make a statement. They somehow knew where I was, but I guess they had no reason to bother me before this. Now of course, it's front page. Prime time, as it were. It was news when I left the leadership position in the company and it's news that only a few months after I did so, the company has been... well, raped.
The only thing that has made me smile is watching Zechs thundering down on the media people with a garden rake, ordering them off the property. He looks pretty menacing with those hedge clippers, and the reporters are falling back. The phone isn't going to stop ringing though. And I'm not going to take it off the hook. Even though when my sisters call, the only thing I'l be able to say is, 'I didn't know...'
I don't think... I almost positive Duo didn't know about this. He's probably on L2, reading the news the same of the rest of us.
I don't know where... he is.
I don't know what is happening.
I have to believe, there is a reason for this. Some kind of reason, something that, when I learn what it is, I'll have no trouble accepting it, I'll understand it was necessary. I can't... imagine what that might be.
But there has to be one.
He wouldn't do this.
Wufei wouldn't do this. Not without a reason.
He wouldn't betray me... us... again.
I have to believe that.
EDIT: I'm glad that Trowa and Heero left for their visit to Catherine before this broke. The tranquility here is shattered. The only thing that could make it worse would be for them to get caught in this publicity nightmare. I feel terrible about Zechs getting involved in it but he's unstoppable. And he certainly has dealt with issues more serious than this. This is just business. I keep telling myself, that's all it is, not life or death. Just business.
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Monday, February 28th, 2005
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I hadn't intended to neglect the computer so thoroughly, but with Zechs staying here, it's kept me busier than I expected. Well that's good, less time to ponder if I made the right choice in giving up control of the business.
I still get reports and updates, as I am on the board of directors, and the company seems to be doing all right. I'm a little concerned about the fact that there has been a bit more activity than seems normal with the stock - more of it has been changing hands, but some of that is probably a slightly delayed or continued reshuffling from post-war investors.
There seems to be a lot of interest in our asteroid mining branches and the metal refining industry but again, post-war, there has been a lot of work to be done in repairs and new building so I don't think it's anything to be worried about.
The garden is actually looking like a garden now and not a glorified back yard. Zechs doesn't seem to be ready to stop working on it yet, so I can only imagine it will improve even more.
There's something slightly surreal about having the Lightning Count digging in one's flowerbeds, but I suppose there's something slightly surreal about all of us being here so one might as well get used to it. ;)
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Thursday, February 24th, 2005
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Monday, February 21st, 2005
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Well, Rasheed is gone. I miss him already, but I know he has a life of his own to go back to, I can't be selfish.
And Zechs is here! He seems happy with his room, even though it's quite plain. It's funny - he fits so perfectly in Sank, but he seems to slip into another mode here, more casual, just 'another guy'. As if Zechs could ever be that, who am I kidding? #^_^#
We played chess last evening. It was one of the best games I have ever had and went on for quite a long time, until there were only five pieces left on the board. We ended up calling it a draw.
Things in the house seem very stable right now. Heero in particular is very relaxed.
Wufei seems rather quiet and busy but it's probably just because of the festivals.
Duo is a little busy with school, but still has plenty of time to be sociable.
Trowa seems just a little less restless. I think he's still looking for something in his life, but he's reasonably happy with what he has at the moment. Probably he misses Catherine, but he might not be ready to admit how much of an attachment he has formed to her.
And Heero was right about the cat. She's moved in and become a house resident as well, though she goes in and out, particularly into the garden. She was stalking Zechs as he was working out there this morning. :)
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Monday, February 14th, 2005
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Rasheed is leaving Friday.
I'm sad. I'm going to miss him. However he has his own life to get back to and has already been far too generous in staying here. He told me he doesn't think he has anything to worry about now.
I feel bad for having taken up so much of his time but it has been so good to have him close by.
The other guys are leaving too but I've been told I shouldn't be surprised if there are Maguanac stopovers rather often.
More than half the original corps are married and settled now, most with several children. Abdul and Auda both claim they are confirmed bachelors and will never settle down but I would be surprised if that really turns out to be true.
Well, having Zechs coming this week end will keep my mind off the sudden empty space of Rasheed's absence.
And it's nice to have the house so full. Heero has all but moved in. He seems pretty content, apart from the recent thing today with Sally. He seems to be over that now though.
Really, things are a lot closer to perfect than I ever had the courage to dream they could be.
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Tuesday, February 8th, 2005
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Friday, February 4th, 2005
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This week has been very quiet, since my return from the visit to Sank. I've been working on some of the unfinished rooms to keep busy, and practicing the new music Trowa helped me pick out. But I often find myself lapsing into reverie about...
The horses. Farzzad and Tarzi are so beautiful...
See, I did it again. Just sat here at the keyboard for fifteen minutes thinking about the horses. I think I'll start shopping for artwork of horses, this place could use a nice painting or two.
Zechs was such a kind and wonderful host, and I also got to have breakfast with Relena, which was a treat. She's so busy. I understand exactly what that is like.
Yes, I sometimes wonder if I did the right thing, giving up the business to move here, live in this old house. To be honest, there are often times when I don't have anything important to do. And I feel like I'm slacking off.
Father... the rage it would put him in, me just leaving things, leaving my responsibilities this way.
I wanted to do it. I wanted to be with... my friends. The closest friends I have.
Well anyway, I didn't mean to start woolgathering "out loud" like that.
Zechs, I know you said you didn't visit other people's journals much, but if you see this, thank you so much for a lovely weekend. It was wonderful in every way. Every way. I just appreciate it so much. I'll get in touch about the visit we were discussing so you can see the "garden" (back yard).
I'm really happy that school seems to be going well for you guys, Heero and Duo. Let me know when you have a night free and maybe we can do dinner here or something. I told Trowa you don't need a reason to visit, Heero, this is your house whether you move in or not, but a dinner evening might be fun.
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Comments: Read 7 or Add Your Own.
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Friday, January 21st, 2005
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I hope you haven't been too bored while we've been away. Since you said you were going to invite Auda and Ahmed to house-sit with you, I'm sure you've been entertained at least. ;)
This is a head's up warning: Heero has been given the okay to come back to Earth. I'm not sure exactly what day they'll be making the trip, or if I will have a chance to slip back beforehand. I'll let you know when I know.
I'm going to ask Trowa and Heero if they want to go back to their apartment for a while before moving in. Could you have someone go over and air the apartment out, check the fridge for spoilt food, and so on?
I'll tell you more when I know what is happening.
My love to the guys. :)
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With everything that has been happening, it’s been good to travel and visit with people. I’ve enjoyed seeing Relena again, she’s such a sweet person. Yes, she’s very strong, but it’s the other side of her, the kind girl, that I really like being around. She reminds me a little of what I think my mother might have been like as a girl.
It’s a great relief to see Heero looking so much better, so much like himself again. The days and nights in the hospital reminded me too much of the time I took him back to Earth. At first I was very, very worried about him.
And Trowa… looks a lot more relaxed. Trowa…
Zechs has added a very interesting vibe to the gathering. In some ways he feels a bit like a world-weary older brother, not to me particularly, but to all of us. I think he’s fond of ‘the Gundam pilots’. And he’s especially fond of Heero. It’s pretty obvious even though he doesn’t really do or say anything to indicate it.
More than that, right now at least, is the love he has for Relena. You can almost see it, like a warm light that draws them together. It was so cruel, the way they were torn apart as children when Sank was overrun. It feels wonderful to be able to watch them making connections with each other again. It makes me feel very content just being close to it all.
Speaking of feelings… last night was interesting… when I got back to the hotel, I could feel the passion coming through the hotel room walls! I had to take a cool shower and go for a walk until they finally fell asleep.
And I didn’t get very much rest. I was woken in the early morning hours by a feeling of aching separation and anticipated loneliness. I wonder why Duo felt he had to leave right away. I know, he said he was going to visit with Howard. But I think there is still a little denial going on there.
Ahem.
Well, I have no business talking about that, now, do I?
It doesn’t matter. I can see him. I can see him and spend time with him when he’s not busy with playing host, busy with Heero.
It relieves my own ache to be able to be in the same place. To know he’s there even when I can’t see him. Even when he’s with someone else he loves, who loves him very much.
The sweetness of their emotions is so quiet, so much like the two of them. Quiet yes, but deep. Not still waters, no never still except on the surface. But deep subterranean caverns with bottomless depths.
I could never interfere with that. It’s too precious. Too rare. Too needed, by both of them.
I must banish those thoughts that try to sneak up on me. I can do it if I remember that it doesn’t matter that I’m not the one who can open this door of feeling for him. I wanted to be. But what matters is that it opens. That he finds himself. That’s more important than anything, and if Heero can find himself at the same time, in the same way, isn’t that really the most blessed thing? I love them both.
Trowa…
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Wednesday, January 5th, 2005
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I was packing when Rasheed arrived. Packing to leave. I didn't want to wait but I realized I was being rude, and offered coffee.
To make a long story short, he talked to me for a few minutes, then went through my belongings until he found it.
My medication, the small bottle lodged in a crack at the bottom of my personal case. I won't embarrass myself by recounting what poured out of my mouth before he finally got me to take it. Nor what I said while he kept me there, dealt with things, and finally put me to bed.
Waking up hours later was like... waking from a very frustrating nightmare.
But I feel... so. So much. Better.
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Comments: Read 7 or Add Your Own.
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qrw_04's journal
worried.
cheerful.
calm.